The anger stage....

Almost five weeks ago I got a phone call from my Aunt Georgie, I only had 10 minutes or so to get ready for work, and as my cell phone was ringing, I was thinking man I really don't want to work tonight...Georgie's voice was different, it wasn't frantic, it wasn't cheerful, it was different... it was calm, I don't think I will ever get the memory of the way her voice sounded on the phone, my heart sank deep into my stomach (I have a rather large stomach so my heart fell for a few minutes before you heard the *thud*), I think my heart sank because I knew something was wrong for her to be that calm. You see Aunt Georgie carries herself closer to the way Granny carried herself, as compared to the other Russell children. Anyway back to the phone call, she first asked me what I was doing, I told her I was dreading going to work, and began to whine about how I wanted to stay home....she interrupted me and explain something bad had happened, I knew she was talking about mother, I don't know why I knew, well that's a lie I had been expecting a phone call like this for about 2 years now. Any way, she explained that mother was unresponsive she didn't know if she was dead or not, she just knew that Uncle Joe couldn't get her to wake up for work. My mind began running 100 miles an hour, and all I could say to her was "What do I do?" What am I suppose to do?" so she said she was going there so I told her I would get dressed and for her to call me when she got there. I went to my sister's and told her of the phone call....She was immediately stricken with disbelief and grief. I was tearful but calm, my mind wasn't processing or something. While at my sister's my cellphone rang and it was Uncle Joe, he was crying, and sobbing so hard, my heart sank even deeper (so now its in my colon) he put Linda Sue on the phone and Linda Sue explained to me that mother was gone, there wasn't anything they could do. So I called my brother and thank the Lord his wife answered the phone because he was one person I did not want to break the news to. You see he was her favorite, there was no middle child syndrome in our house growing up, it was the boy is the king (Im kidding) but he and mother were close, he was a momma's boy! So we rush to Leon and there she was, sitting upright on the couch with a open book next to her, she looked so peaceful, I hadn't seen her look that peaceful in years. I was relieved but I was pissed all at the same time. I was mad at her for leaving, I was mad at her for living so hard that she went so young, I was mad!

When I got home I couldn't sleep, so my new hang out being facebook, I logged on and low and behold it was all over FB that mother had passed, I got even angrier, what gave theese people the right to update their FB about mother dying, you know it was posted on facebook before I actually spoke to Jerry Wayne, had he read that before my phone call mother's funeral wouldn't have been the only one that week. I mean she didn't just belong to us, and we were happy to share her, but something that personal and sudden, I mean what if I hadn't of been able to get ahold of Jerry Wayne? How awful would that be to read about your mother passing away on the internet! All that would of done was started a vicious cycle of FB killings, because I would of killed them, then I would of updated my FB to say so, then someone would of got revenge and killed me ....it would of just gone on and on. So I tried to keep my anger issues in check.

So the next day we go to the funeral home, I hadn't had any sleep, I was running on stupidity, anger, coca~colas and cigarettes, so we began making plans, my sister, mother's siblings and myself, I called Jerry Wayne every few minutes because I did not want him to feel like he didn't have a say in the matter. So we get thru the obituary and decide who is doing what at the service, then it was time to pick out the casket. I can honestly say this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It was fair, and it made me even more angry. I wanted to have a Steele Magnolia moment when she grabs Weezer and says HERE HIT WEEZER! I wanted a Weezer to appear so I could slap the dog snot right out of them....still waiting too btw....

So the next afternoon they were going to have mother ready for us to view, I was so relieve at how peaceful she looked, I had told the funeral home that I didn't want anyone to see mother until we gave them approval, I was afraid if something didn't look right it would haunt people, I know I am a weirdo but I just needed something to not be angry about....well she looked good, so good it took me a minute to cry, I was in awe of her! Well there was another funeral the same time as mothers and alot of the family started showing up so we left and came back home for a few hours, when we went back to the funeral home, one of our cousins said "I got to see Aunt Katie before anyone else did, I just barged right in there and that guy was like you need to leave the family has request she not be seen until they approve the way she looks!" and the cousin told Zane "well I am her immediate family!" What the hell? So there I was LIVID once more, I could of shit a brick but if you recall my heart was in my colon so it wouldn't have been pretty by no means possible!

I am still mad, and angry five weeks later, so angry that I quit my job. I can't stop thinking about mother while I am at work, we worked there together on the same shift. I tried so hard to tell myself I could do it, but I am not capable. I still have alot of nightmares about mother, usually in my dreams I am looking for her but can't find her anywhere. I even can hear my brother crying while im asleep, and granted Connie sang beautifully at the graveside I just wish she could of sang louder then he cried, but there was no way possible, I dont think anything could of drown out his heartache, we all felt it, we all seen it, we all heard it. I was even more angry at mother during that moment, she broke his heart through and through. But none of my anger is her fault, she was wore completely out, and if I could of picked a way for her to go, it was of been that peaceful. I just wish we had more time, I wasn't ready, my kids wasn't ready...no one was ready.

*if you have stumbled upon this post....its more of a ramble....my mind is congested with mother this weekend and i needed to get it out....sorry its unentertaining*